Seeking Vengeance

Chapter 10 - After the Musical

The morning after the musical was miserable. We'd both done some plain-singing, bringing things out into the open that would have been better left out of sight. It was everything. It was the fact that we hadn't told anyone about our engagement. It was the fact that I was spending time worrying about Buffy. It was the fact that Anya couldn't see how much Buffy needed me right then.

We didn't talk that morning. And not talking to Anya involves a lot of breaking crockery and slamming doors. It was a relief to get that call from Dawn, telling me Buffy hadn't come home. Of course, Anya knew it was Dawn on the phone, and guessed it was a problem with Buffy, so it didn't help her mood at all.

I told Dawn to stay at home. Well, I wanted her to go to school, but she wouldn't, not until she knew Buffy was safe. So, she stayed at home, although she wasn't happy about it. I thought Buffy might be at the crypt, and I didn't want Dawn to see that. I tried not to think about the other possibility - that Buffy was hurt.

I found her much as the time before. She was curled in Spike's armchair. I did wonder what the fascination was with that chair. I decided it was just the most comfortable option there. There was an empty bottle beside her. Of course, it could have been the same one as last time, but I didn't know. She seemed to be asleep, so I lifted her, thankful that I'd left the car close to the crypt. Unfortunately, this time, once she was in the car, she came round enough to empty the contents of her stomach all over the back seat of my car.

So, my plan for not giving Dawn the details fell apart. If things had been different, I might have taken Buffy home with me, and asked Anya to help her to clean up, but that was so much not an option. Instead, I delivered an extremely sticky, smelly Slayer to her sister, who, to her credit, wrinkled her nose, but helped her up the stairs to the bathroom. I headed off to get the car cleaned up.

When the car was bearable again, I went to work. I did what I had to do, but my mind wasn't on it. I really wanted to talk to someone, but I knew Willow had her own problems, and Giles, well, he'd spent his whole time with us trying to ignore the fact that we were growing up. So, every time one of us reminded him of that fact, he cleaned his glasses until the unpleasant vision went away. It wasn't the first time I wished I'd more friends. Male friends. Friends who'd understand how I was feeling. Who wouldn't judge me. Who could understand the .. special circumstances.

When I left work, I went home, hoping that Anya wouldn't change her routine and be there. I needed some time alone. I sat there, with a beer, trying to work out what I should do.

I thought back to before - before we brought Buffy back. I remembered trying to argue with Willow, feeling that raising the dead was something just too big. Her argument that Buffy was suffering was what clinched it for me. I could kick myself now. I just assumed Willow knew. I guess I've always assumed that about her. I mean, she always does. She knows things the rest of us don't. So, when she told me Buffy was in hell, I just accepted it. If I'd known ..

Who am I fooling?

Even if I'd known, if Willow had still wanted to do it, I'd have gone along with it. The world without Buffy just wasn't right, a bit like the world without sunlight. There was just something missing. So, I might have said something, but I'd still have been there.

I called the house. Dawn answered, so I asked her about her sister. She was fairly abrupt, but not as annoyed as I'd expected. She said she'd got Buffy bathed, then put her to bed. She'd slept, but got up a while previously. Dawn handed the phone to Buffy.

"Hey, how ya feelin?" I asked.

"Ok," she replied, her voice subdued.

I remember there was a silence for a while, as if she was trying to get up courage to say something. I was just about to break the silence with some inane quip when she continued.

"Thanks .."

Her voice was very soft, and she sounded very unsure of herself.

"Thanks for bringing me home. I'm sorry I messed up the car."

"It's ok, car's good as knew," I reassured her.

"Has .. has Giles spoken to you?"

"No, haven't heard from him since we stopped singing."

"He wants us to get together at the Magic Box tomorrow evening."

"New Big Bad?"

"He didn't say, just asked us to be there."

I wasn't surprised. I mean, Giles has this habit of not wanting to say things more than once. So, he wanted us all to hear it together. Didn't mean it'd be any more interesting than most of what he says.

I put down the phone, checking the time. Anya would be home soon. Time was, I hated the time she spent at the store, going there after work just to be with her.

When she came home, it was obvious that she was still annoyed. Her movements were jerky. I used to find that part of her charm, the fact that she showed her nervousness so clearly, but that night, I found it irritating. I think it was guilt - she was showing me that she was hurt - that I'd hurt her. And I didn't want to know. I wanted to keep her there, until I made up my mind about things. I was being selfish, and I knew it. I just didn't want to be reminded about it.

She didn't talk a lot, just told me that Giles wanted to see us the next evening. I nodded, and told her I knew, realising a second later that that was the wrong thing to have said. Because she knew I'd talked to Buffy.

I went out that evening, not doing anything much, just keeping out of the way until I was sure Anya would be asleep. When I eventually got into bed beside her, I felt nothing. I can count on one hand the number of times I've climbed into bed with her and not wanted to reach for her, touch her, love her. We slept in the same bed, ok, the only bed, but .. So, next morning, I got up early and went to work while she pretended to sleep.

We'd arranged for Willow and Tara to come round after work, and I had a very short call from Anya as I finished work to remind me. Just as well, 'cos it'd completely slipped my mind. I stopped by the store to get something easy to cook, before going home. The meal was strained, and I would've been embarrassed if I hadn't realised that the witches were having problems too. I don't know if they noticed the tension between Anya and me. Willow alone seemed fairly normal, although she kept darting puzzled glances at Tara.

We spent some time chatting before things blew up between them. I heard it coming, the argument, and made an excuse to get out of the room. Anya followed me out, but went to the bathroom - I assume so she could avoid me. I still heard every word. Willow had been using magic on Tara to try to patch up some differences they'd had, and Tara was angry.

I'd never heard Tara angry before. Somehow, those words, Tara and angry, don't even seem at home in the same thought. But, there was no mistaking her tone. And, I've got to say I can't blame her. After everything Tara went through with Glory, to have Willow messing with her mind . . .  

Things were still tense between them when we drove to the Magic Box. When we arrived, Buffy's jacket was on a chair, so I assumed she was training, and Giles was with her. Anya moved straight behind the counter and started fiddling with things that didn't seem to need her attention. I don't think the witches noticed, they were too wrapped up in their own problems. We sat at the Research table and waited for the big news.