Seeking Vengeance

Chapter 8 - Changing Perspectives

After her drinking binge, Buffy seemed a bit better. I was relieved, I admit it, thinking it was the start of better times for the Slayer. Later, Dawn told me  that the next day Giles had given Buffy enough money to cover her immediate bills, and a little to spare. So, maybe the improvement was always going to be short-lived.

When Halloween came around, and the call went out to the Scoobies to face the threat of record sales at the Magic Box, she was there with the rest of us. She didn't seem too comfortable though. I thought it was just remembering her first spell of working there, with the hour that wouldn't end, but, with hindsight, I know it was more. She just wasn't comfortable around people any more. Even us, her friends, we made her feel edgy.

I watched her a lot that night. I couldn't help comparing two of the three most important women in my life. There was Anya. I was engaged to be married to her, even if we were the only two who knew. She was in her element. Skating around the store, taking money, having the night of her life. I mean, what did that say about our relationship? When she could have that much fun at work?

On the other hand, there was Buffy. She had lost weight since she came back, and she was pale too. She seemed so .. vulnerable. She's never really seemed that way before. I mean, she's been in trouble, she's been threatened, I've even seen her scared, but there's always been this steel in her that prevented her from wilting completely. But that night, all I could see was a vulnerable, scared girl. She seemed much younger than she was, younger than me, almost younger than Dawn.

When I first met Buffy, I fell for her. And I mean big time. She was the only thing I thought about. She seemed to be everything I'd always wanted. As I got to know her better, I just fell in deeper.

I had these fantasies. And, no, I'm not going into details. Life with Anya may have made me used to my private life being public knowledge, but there are limits. My dreams all started with me saving her from unimaginable danger. She would look up at me with adoration, and offer me whatever I wanted. And that's as far as I'm telling.

Seeing her like that, apparently helpless, it brought those fantasies back, and I was staggering under the influence of them. There was a time when Anya seemed vulnerable too. It's how I am. When she was first stuck as a human, Anya was scared, and she needed someone. I became that someone. But that night when I looked at her, I couldn't help but think that she didn't need me any more. Ok, she needed me for sex, but I was sure she could find a substitute there too. Much as I cared for her, loved her even, I just didn't feel needed any more.

By the end of the day, I was completely confused. From being, well, fairly sure what I wanted from my life, I'd gone back to being the drifter I'd been in my teens. And all because of Buffy.

There was one quiet spell, in the late afternoon. I'm not sure why, but people had been shopping since we opened, and we'd hardly been able to draw breath, but for half an hour, the store was deserted.

Anya and Giles headed off to restock shelves, and Buffy sat at the research table with Dawn, while the witches headed off to find some refreshment for the rest of us.

I was looking round the store, just slouching around when I spotted a box I hadn't seen before. It was wooden, carved with various intricate patterns.  I opened it, and inside was a pendant. When I took it out of the box, I spotted an inscription at the bottom. I read it through, and laughed. It was so obviously phoney.

"Make life sweet, a real song and dance.

Happiness awaits, just take a chance.

Place the gold next to your heart,

And call the man to make the fun start."

I mean, what kind of rhyme is that? It was just a bit of fun, a bit of wishful thinking. How was I to know it wasn't phoney? I mean, it's one of those Hellmouth things, isn't it?

Anyway, I held the pendant to my chest, and followed the instructions. Nothing happened, at least not to me, and not then. I shrugged, and put the pendant down quickly as Anya came back from the basement and spoke to me. After that, I forgot all about it.

When the shop closed, the clearing up began. Willow offered to do it with magic, but Tara gave her a look and Giles handed her a broom. She was obviously annoyed, but seemed to go along with it. So, we got started, but I couldn't help but notice that Willow seemed to make more progress than the rest of us. I didn't know then, but Tara noticed too.

When the store was closed for the night, we headed back to Buffy's, and that's where Dawn announced that she was going to Janice's. Buffy seemed surprised, but then she seemed to be having a hard time keeping track of things like that. Anya and I headed home then, so we missed out on the excitement that followed.