Sunshine Departed

Post 'Fade Away'. Buffy POV.

Airports. You know, up until a year ago they were places I went to so I could meet or say goodbye to other people. They weren't places I went to for me - so I could travel. This last year, though, everything's been different. We left Sunnydale, and after some time to regroup, we went to London. From there, Dawn, Andrew and I found ourselves sent to Rome to help find and train more Slayers. I've been jetting all over Europe and beyond since then. So now? Airports and Buffy are mixy.

It doesn't make this trip any easier. Even knowing that I volunteered. No, I didn't volunteer. I demanded the job. I told Giles to give it to me and wouldn't listen when he suggested it wasn't a good idea. So, I'm sitting, waiting to board for my flight back to LA and I can't make up my mind whether my overriding feeling is that I'm dreading what I might find, or still harbouring some hope.

The past year has been completely different to anything I've ever known. A little over a year ago, Sunnydale, my sweet home on the Hellmouth, fell into an abyss. And the person responsible for that abyss was Spike. I think that would have appealed to the part of him he showed the world - the bad ass, the rebel. Of course, the fact that he was closing the Hellmouth and preventing the end of the world was what came from the man.  It seems a fitting combination – something of both the man and the demon.

Losing him was painful - more painful than I'd have thought possible. But he gave me a gift, and I made up my mind to take that gift and make the most of it.

Thing is, I meant what I said to Spike. I couldn't tell you exactly when I realised. There was no epiphany, no sudden knowledge. It just grew on me, until that moment when I was certain, and I knew it wasn't a new certainty. I loved him.

I fell in love for the first time before I was sixteen. Angel. And, after a while, he abandoned me so I could have all the things he couldn't give me - that so-called 'normal life'. But his leaving didn't change anything. Being the one and only, or even one of two Chosen Ones, doesn't allow a normal life.

Then, Willow managed some serious magic - she shared all that Slayeryness around with everyone who could be a Slayer, and I wasn't a member of such a select group any more. But even that wasn’t enough. It was Spike who made it worthwhile. He let himself be destroyed so that there would still be a world for me to be normal in. And that gift was just so huge, so … amazing, that I felt like I didn't have a choice other than to just do it. So I did my best to have that normal life.

Once we settled in Rome, I had everything I had ever wished for. A steady job that didn't leave me smelling of Doublemeat goodness, enough money, a comfortable home, friends, slaying when I felt like it, but no absolute requirement to arrange my life around it. I even found time to start dating again. It was good. Of course, the first few didn't last long. Let's face it; Spike's a hard act to follow. And then I met Antonio. Apparently, he's also known as The Immortal, but that name seems a bit pretentious for everyday use. And we had a thing. Not serious; it was never serious for either of us. It was just the most amazing fun. He was charming, witty, clever, and he knew how to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world when I was with him. And the sex? Well, let's say I wasn't too disappointed. He showed me around Rome like someone who’d lived there their whole life, and we had fun. Yes, Buffy and fun in the same sentence, and not a negative in sight. Scary, huh?

But it changed. In hindsight, I knew it was him, but I'd spent months convinced that I would turn around and Spike would be there; so when I sensed him, well, him and Angel, I ignored the feeling, pushed it out of my mind. I mean, the only thing more unbelievable than Spike being in Rome was the idea that he'd be there with Angel. And then, after they'd gone, Andrew told me. He told me Spike was back, and that he'd seen him in LA and Spike had told him not to tell me. Spike hadn't even picked up a phone to call and let me know he was back - as if me telling him I loved him had meant nothing.

You know, there's one thing that's pretty well guaranteed to destroy a relationship - even one that was never based on true love and promises of forever. And that's mooning about over someone else. Not that I need any help or advice when it comes to relationships not working, I usually manage the wrecking part pretty well on my own. This time though, at least I know exactly how it happened.

When I had begun my new life, I had smiled through my tears. I grabbed onto life with both hands and I fought the feelings of loss with more tenacity than any demon had ever needed. And, with Antonio, I was getting there, you know? Between work and my hectic social life, I went for hours, sometimes even days without thinking about Spike. I managed to live without him, put my life back on track. I smiled and I danced and I had the youth I'd never had time for before. Life was good.

The knowledge that Spike was back, but that I no longer had his love - selfish as it seems, seemed more final than losing him in the first place. I'd sort of come to terms with his loss - as well as you can come to terms with losing someone you love. And then everything changed. It felt like the rules of the game had changed and no one had thought to tell me. I lost interest in everything, and it wasn't long before Antonio dropped me, telling me I'd lost my sunshine. Funny how Spike's love was my sunshine. Even when he was gone, when I thought he was truly gone, his love stayed wrapped around me and gave me strength. Without it, my sunshine was gone. For a vampire, that's a pretty neat trick.

Take the social out of my life, and all that was left was work and Dawn. And Dawn doesn't need so much of my time any more, so there was work. I couldn't even talk to Dawn about Spike because she was angry with him and I got so sick of hearing her berating him for not calling.

I told Giles, and he was all 'How interesting!’, and 'This calls for some research, Buffy.', and 'He may have been brought back by some malign force, and if so, it's for the best that he's avoiding you.'. If Giles knew my heart was broken, then he did a good job of not letting on. Nothing unexpected there, I suppose. He always did prefer that we not share our feelings too much.

And then we come to the reason I'm here today. Giles called yesterday. It seems something happened in LA - something big. The Council of Watchers had been keeping an eye on things there. We really didn't know what to make of Angel working for Wolfram and Hart. We hoped that it would turn out ok, but we were worried that he had sold out. It was important for us to know what was happening. And the news Giles called with yesterday was that there was a battle. Reports from survivors - ordinary people who seem to think they saw something from a film set - was that it was a battle to rival Lord of the Rings. There was a dragon. And there was Angel, and Spike, and a couple of other people who worked for Angel. It even seems like they were on the right side after all. And in the end, it was all gone. There was no one and nothing left.

Since then, there's been no sign of any of them. The Council representatives in LA believe they're dead or dust. All of them. No one saw Wes during the battle, but they think he's dead too.

It's hard to accept. I mean, Angel? He just seemed so permanent. And Wes. But Spike's the one that's hardest to accept. Odd, really, since I already spent time mourning him, only to discover that he was back but didn’t love me any more. Losing him without having his love in the end - that's the hardest thing of all.

So I'm going to LA to find out what happened. There's a team meeting me there. Some who've been in LA for a while, others flying in from London. But I'm in charge. It's my show. I'm still hoping that I'll find him, still hoping that he's back and fighting the good fight without me. It'll be hard, but I can live with that if I have to. The alternative? I don't think I could bear it.

The possibility that I'll find him and that he’ll still love me after all, and that he's got a really good reason for not telling me he was back … Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for something like that. It's a hope that surfaces suddenly, only to be pushed back under. I can't afford to think like that. I need to be realistic.

I don't know what I'm going to find. My thoughts lurch from giddy hope to deep sadness in the space of a few heartbeats. Yes, I could have left this trip to someone else, but if I had, then maybe I'd never be sure what happened. I need to know. Whatever I find, I need certainty.

And if he didn't make it, then at least I'll be able to remind Giles and the others that I was right. He was a good man. He did it alone. He pulled himself up and put himself on the right path. I know, part of it was because he loved me, but I didn't help him. I did the opposite, reminding him of his worthlessness so often that it’s miraculous that he didn't give up. And as if that wasn’t enough, it looks like he’s risked everything again for the right reasons.

Oh, my flight's boarding, so I'd better go. I'm tired already, but I know I'll be more tired before this job is finished. I hope I can sleep on the plane, but I don’t think I’ll be able to. Attempts at sleep last night proved pointless, with memories of Spike burning up in the cave below Sunnydale the most pleasant of the sights my imagination conjured for me.

I show my boarding card and find my seat. I stow my bag and sit staring out of the window wondering why it looks blurry. I cried for Spike before, but this time I'm determined not to cry. It's just my eyes seem to have a different idea. I close my eyes, wishing for a few moments of quiet, and for once, I get what I want. Well, sort of. I see Spike - his face during our last few days in Sunnydale. He was convinced that I couldn't love him, but his love was as true as ever. His expression as he looked at me was so tender, so full of his feelings, and I feel my heart swell at the memory. I cut off those thoughts. That love seemed so permanent that it gives me a hope that I can no longer afford.

If Spike is gone, I need to remember what he gave me. Because that was everything that he was. No one has ever given me so much, and I don't suppose anyone ever will again. More than a normal life, he gave me himself and a love that was so very special that I don't think I'll ever know its like again. Sort of like him, really.