The Rest of My Life

Chapter 7

Los Angeles, 27 May 2004

Giles started it, but Dawn was the clincher. He asked me if I’d like to stay in LA for a while. He’s worried about the situation here – convinced that there’re going to be some major repercussions from what he referred to as ‘Angel’s foolhardy attempt to take on the Senior Partners’, and he wants me to stay around and keep an eye on things for him. I’m also going to be travelling around the country to, in his words, ‘mentor’ the new Slayers in the US. I met some of them in passing just after the battle, and I get the impression that that idea is theirs rather than Giles’.

I spoke to Dawn about it, and she talked me into agreeing. She wants to finish high school in the States, and after that, she’ll be off to college so then I can pretty much base myself wherever I want to.

Giles has agreed that the apartment in Rome will still be ours, so I can plan to go back there when I want to, and he’s going to supply an apartment in LA close to the office the Council maintains there. 

Dawn’s going to finish up this year of school in Rome, but she’s going to come over as soon as she can, and in the meantime, she’s agreed to pack up the rest of my clothes and send them over. Given that we're such different sizes these days, I actually hold out some hope that she won't 'forget' too much.

One side-effect of the decision is that I’m going to be working pretty closely with Angel. It stands to reason that any repercussions from recent events are likely to centre on him, and given his rather more vulnerable situation right now, he needs some protection. Not that I’ve told him that part of it – I can’t imagine that would go down very well just now.

To be honest, I don’t know how well Angel’s adjusting to the changes in his life. He’s spent the time since he got out of the hospital getting his hotel set up so he can get back to business. I’ve been helping with that – it’s either that or he’d be on his own. We’ve removed Wes’ library and anything else that might be useful from his apartment. The information from England is that his family isn’t interested in his personal effects, but that his body will be returned to them as soon as all the paperwork’s been completed.

There’s still no news about Spike. No one’s seen him or heard anything from him since the battle. I know I’m stupid to be holding out hope, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that in my world, dead isn’t always forever. Despite that, I’m seriously thinking about the future.

As soon as I knew I wouldn't be going back to Rome for a while, I called Carlo. That was an eye-opener. I'd been expecting him to say something like, 'That's fine, Buffy. I'll see you the next time you're in Roma!', and what I got was the big freeze. I told him, and he just went cold on me. I asked what was wrong, and he threw back at me that I was going back to Angel. He didn't give me a chance to deny that - he just started telling me that having decided to go back to Angel, I was now beneath him.

I was shocked, and yes, I was hurt too. I've never imagined myself 'in love' with him, and I didn't think he was 'in love' with me either. We got on well, had a good time together, and I liked him. I thought he liked me. The things he said during that call, well, they hurt. He told me that he only put up with me because my reputation in the demon world as the Slayer who closed the Hellmouth made him look good. He also said that he only hooked up with me in the first place as a personal favour to someone at Rome's branch of Wolfram and Hart. I tried to get more out of him about that, but he was adamant that he had no involvement with anything else – it was just a favour, something he could barter at a later date. The plotting and scheming was all Wolfram and Hart. I told Giles anyway, and he said he'd look into it, but that the most likely motive was simply to keep me away Angel. I didn't tell Angel because mentioning Carlo to him is like waving a red cloth at a very angry bull, and it’s not like he could do anything about it now anyway.

As far as demons are concerned, LA has been quiet. Andrew and his team of Slayers said the same thing - they hardly found anything in the day or two after the battle – just a few foolhardy vampires - almost as if the rest of the demon population has scuttled for cover. They left yesterday, dispersing to wherever they came from.

Gunn’s still in the hospital, but he’s improving every day, and hoping to be released soon. He’s not going to come back to work right away, though, insisting that he needs time to think before deciding what to do with his life. I get the impression that Angel’s a bit impatient with that attitude, but, given the events of last year, I can understand where he’s coming from.

Illyria’s based herself at the hotel too, but she’s talking about leaving. She says she wants to experience the world, and last I heard, Gunn was thinking about going with her. They make an odd pair, and I can’t help but wonder if they’ll be able to get along well enough to cope with each other like that. Still, that’s not my problem.

It occurred to me, while we were in Wes’ apartment, that Spike had one too. Both Angel and Illyria mentioned it while they were recounting the run up to the battle, and, since I’ve known about it, I’ve wanted to see it. It’s not that I expect to find some clue to what happened to Spike there or anything, it’s just … if he’s gone, I need to say goodbye somehow, and I’m hoping that seeing his place will help a bit.

I thought about asking Angel about it, but decided not to. Talking about Spike seems to irritate him to an unreasonable extent. Either that, or Angel will say something about Spike that irritates me. That’s why I hadn’t done anything about it until this morning, and then, when I found myself alone with Illyria for a few minutes, I took the opportunity. She seemed disinterested in my wish to go, but agreed to take me anyway, warning me that she didn’t have a key. Well, that’s never stopped me before if something’s important enough, and, right now, it’s important to me.

It’s late afternoon before we get away, and as we arrive, I find I’m strangely nervous. I’ve been thinking about all the possibilities – yes, one of them is that he’s gone and that I’ll never see him again – but I thought that a year ago and, while I didn’t actually see him, I could have. But he could be hurt, injured or something, could have lost his memory … or he could have just decided to run away. Now, that last one doesn’t sound much like Spike, except, that’s sort of what he was doing this last year, wasn’t it? He kept away from me, despite what I said to him at the end. It might mean that he just doesn’t care about me any more, or it could be that he just doesn’t trust me not to hurt him again. That thought makes me sad all over again. I’m not saying I’d be ready to fall into his arms and head off into the sunset, but the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

Whatever. The apartment door doesn’t present much of a problem, and we creep inside. Illyria stays close to the door, telling me she’ll keep intruders at bay.

I take a look around the living room, and I’ve got to say, it’s got an air of being temporary. Yes, there’s a TV and a game console, but there’s nothing … personal. His crypt was more homelike than this is.

I leave Illyria and check out the bathroom, but there’s nothing much there, and then the bedroom. The bed is unmade – it looks like he left it in a hurry.  The sheet’s hanging off one side onto the floor. There’s a closet and some drawers, but all I find in them are a couple of changes of clothes and a box with some unidentifiable bits and pieces in it. I’m about to give up, but as I turn to leave, I step on something. Fortunately, Slayer reactions are not only useful during a fight, so I realise before I damage it. It’s hidden under the sheet, and I stoop down to uncover it.

I feel the smile start even before I’ve completely taken in what it is. It’s the skull ring – the one Spike gave me during our magic-induced engagement. I slip it on my left hand ring finger, where it’s too big, but it still feels like it belongs. With that, the memories flood back – being so certain that Spike was right for me. I’ve been in love a few times. There was Angel, and there was Riley too, but with both of them, I had reservations. Whatever the good there was between us, it wasn’t perfect. With Spike, there were no reservations. Everything was just … perfect, and I so wish I could feel like that again. I know, it wasn’t real, and it never could be real, because perfection isn’t, but, well, a girl can wish, can’t she?

I slip the ring off, but I don't put it down. It feels like it's mine, and if Spike's gone, then I don't know who'd have a better claim on it than I do. I put it into the pocket of my jeans where it feels bigger than it really is, and it's comforting because of that.

I go back into the living room and tell Illyria that I've finished.

“You care about the half-breed,” she states. She has this way of talking where she’s asking a personal question with an expression more appropriate for asking me the time.

“I did,” I agree. “Or I do.”

“You think he may have survived?”

“Not think, maybe more hope,” I answer. “Why, have you heard something new?”

“No, nothing new. But you still hope. Humans are … interesting.”

She leaves the apartment then, and I follow her outside, but she’s walking in the opposite direction to the one I want to take, so I let her go. I need to get to the new apartment. I need some time alone. And then, maybe, once it’s dark, I need to find a nice, spooky cemetery, and I need to hurt something. I just hope they haven’t all been scared away.

There’s a phrase that I’ve always felt was just too trite to be useful, but right now, it’s running through my head like it’s important. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I’ve got to get on with it. Whatever I’ve been doing this past year, it’s not been what I thought. The time spent with Carlo wasn’t moving on, it was moving back – to my teens. It was about having a good time without having to worry about anything but myself – all the things I missed out on while I was having to save the world. Now, I’m all grown up, and I’ve got to get on with the rest of my life.